I am sorry I haven’t posted a lot lately but things have been crazy around my house with important decisions galore. Well on Friday, it became official… I gotta break out the old scrubs because momma’s going back to work! I have been offered a position as my endocrinologist’s nurse. She liked me a lot and was super impressed with my knowledge of the endocrine system. So, she called me up and offered me a job. I will be working 36 hours a week but the hours are flexible. I get every Wednesday afternoon off and 1 Friday a month. I can take more time off, as well, as long as I get my hours!!! My start date will be June 7th. For the summer my best friend will be watching Luke and then he will go to a mother’s day out program for about 5 hours a day.
It is going to be a huge change but I think it was the right decision for our family. I will miss every second of my time at home with Luke. The past eight months have been some of the happiest times in my life. Sometimes in life we have to make hard decisions, as adults, and this is one of those. Some days I feel like crying my eyes out and other days I feel a lot of joy and excitement. I know I will be able to help a lot of people and bring compassion and understanding to my patients. I also know that the health benefits of being there are priceless. I have unlimited access to my doctor and with a life long condition like mine…you need that! I also know that having affordable and awesome health insurance is great! We have been paying more than $1,000.00 a month for our health insurance. That has put a real strain on daddy in this tough economy.
I worry about every one of Luke’s milestones I may miss. I have some irrational fears that he won’t love me anymore or that he will not think I am his mom. I know how stupid that sounds and I know that it isn’t true. I have tons of working mommy friends and they have a wonderful relationship with their babies. I am still just terrified! I have searched long and hard for the “RIGHT” choice…and what I realized is there isn’t any right or wrong. As a parent, you just have to think long and hard and hope you are making the best decision for your child. If you make a mistake, you have to let yourself off the hook and know you did it with the best of intentions. That is all anyone can expect from you. So maybe this will be the best decision or maybe it will be the worst…but, I will never know if I don’t try. And like everyone keeps telling me…I can always quit!
I also moved my blog on www.topmommyblogs.com to the humor blogs section. It didn’t feel right to leave myself under the stay at home mom blogs anymore. Although, this post and some of mine are serious…I do make a real attempt to be humorous. So, I hope that was a good place to move myself to. Please click the top mommy blogs banner and vote for me…it only takes a few seconds!
Thank you for all the love, support and well wishes y’all have given me in the past few months…please continue! I will need all I can get to make it through the next few weeks!!!
Posted in Feelings, News.
Tagged with endocrinologist, fears, health insurance, Mommy Blogs, scrubs, stay at home mom, work.
By mommy
– May 27, 2010
Today was a rough day for my little man! Which meant it was a rough day for me too! I am not sure what is going on…is it an earache, teething, just a grumpy day….who the hell knows. After being alone with Mr. Fussy Pants all day…5:00 couldn’t come soon enough. When Daddy got home, I passed off Luke immediately. It was like watching a tag team wrestling match and I tagged out instantly. There are just days in mommy land where you have had enough. Today is one of those days. I used to feel guilty about these days but not anymore. I take care of almost every single need Luke has and sometimes I just need a break. I think it is a lesson every new parent should learn. Never be afraid to ask for help or say you need some “me” time.
I have my fingers crossed that tomorrow will be a better day. I hate seeing Luke in distress. I apologize for the fact that this isn’t a very interesting post…but not every day in my life with Luke is glamorous!
Posted in Feelings.
Tagged with break, earache, grumpy, tag team, teething.
By mommy
– May 17, 2010
I have been in a really foul mood for the past few days. There has been a bunch of crap going down in my world. All of this has pointed to the fact that I am not satisfied. The number one thing I am dissatisfied with…THE WAY I LOOK! I am thinner then I was pre-baby…but my body is still far from lovely. Did you know that some women go their entire pregnancies without gaining a single stretch mark. Well, I am here to tell you that my body did not get that memo. During my pregnancy with Luke my belly became a road map. It isn’t the map of a big city, more like a small suburb…but still! Although, my belly is skinnier then it was before, it is also…uhhhh, saggier(there I said it). In short, I need to workout. I need to exercise every day in the hot Southern sun. One of my dearest friends has suggested yoga to help center myself…or something like that. My husband saw the ads for “Flirty Girl Fitness” and thought that seemed like the workout video for me….Men, LOL! I have considered a Jazzercise DVD where you can workout with your baby. I don’t know what the correct answer is. All I know, is that I need to get moving. I am currently not being the mom or wife that I want to be.
Are there excellent reasons why I haven’t started exercising, yet? Yes, c-section, cancer and then the radiation business. However, that is behind me for now. So, all excuses are gone. I am tired all of the time and I am still not back to 100% but I figure getting moving will help both of those things. I am making a goal for myself to do something active every single day. At a bare minimum, I will push Luke around the neighborhood every day. For Christmas, I got an aerobic step and have done it a few times…but I need to break that bad boy out again. So, ladies and gentlemen, I need your help…please support me through this. Feel free to ask me about it and motivate me!
I have been feeling like a passenger in my life lately, instead of the driver. Why is that? I think it is because I have been sick for almost a year now. In July, it will have been a year since being diagnosed with cancer. That just seems unreal to me! Everything was just about getting through. Getting through my surgery, getting through the rest of my pregnancy, getting through the radiation chaos. And Guess what?! I did it! I got through! But, now I want more! Life isn’t about just surviving…it is about living! When you go through something like this, you don’t have the luxury of living. Every day is about eeking by and just doing what it takes to get to the next day. However, I have done all I can do for the next year. This fight is currently out of my hands. I did my part…I kicked cancer’s ass. Now, it is time to kick my own and get it in gear!
Posted in Feelings.
Tagged with activity, belly, cancer, exercise, pregnancy, radiation, stretch mark, surgery.
By mommy
– May 13, 2010
I am sure you are reading that and going…What the hell?! You don’t have a daughter!!! That would be correct, I don’t have a daughter. However, according to the drugged out freaky weirdo that invaded my lunch with Luke, my friend (June), and her baby son…I do! So we are sitting at this nice sushi restaurant in town and Luke is sitting in a highchair chewing on his elmo face teether. Two ladies walk by and talk to Luke and comment on how cute he is.
Next thing I know, a guy about my age comes up to Luke. He is talking to him for a minute and Luke is looking up at him like, who is this guy. The guy finally looks at me and says, “What is her name?” My friend and I both say at the same time that he is a boy and his name is Luke. He then proceeded to ask, “Well, why do you have him in pink?” Trust me, I did not have my son in pink. He was wearing this adorable red and white gingham romper with crabs smocked on the front. (Crabs, since we were going for sushi…cute, right?) So, June said, “That is red, not pink.” The genius of the century then says “Well, red mixed with white is pink, Mom.” I looked at him like he was the stupidest man alive and said “Right, except it isn’t mixed with white.” He then tells us that he just had a niece about a month ago and her name is “Sophie”. He grabs a picture of this beautiful little girl from his wallet, we both compliment her. He then says, “I meant her name is Sophia”.
By this point, I have totally figured out that this man is high as a kite or messed up in some other way. He then stares at Luke for a minute and says, “So her name is Sophia?” June and I were both like, “No, his name is Luke.” He then kneels down by Luke and tries to get Luke to grab his finger. This didn’t really worry or bother me because Luke doesn’t like to hold hands. So, Luke just puts his finger in his mouth and stares at the man. What a good smart boy, I have raised. I am now in total ignore mode trying to get creepo to leave us alone. Yet, he doesn’t leave us…instead he sneak attacks me and says, “Give me five.” Pulls Luke’s little innocent finger out of his mouth and drops it in his palm. This all happened so quickly and I was helpless to stop it. The germaphobe inside of me is screaming, at this moment. Then before I can wipe Luke’s hand of the germs he sticks it in his mouth. I sat there in stunned horror. Finally the man left us alone. I spent the rest of the lunch freaking out about what illness that man might have given my son.
If you have been following my blog since the beginning you are well aware of my issues with germs and my almost reclusive status after Luke was born. I have made major strides over the last few months and with one forced high five…it almost all went out the window. Instead, I decided to wipe down Luke’s hands and shake it off. I can’t let the fear control me and limit our experiences. Luke deserves more than that! I need to figure out a line for when someone gets a little too close for comfort. What do y’all say in a situation like that? Do you have a standard response when a stranger wants to hold or touch your baby??? I don’t know what the proper response is to get them to back off without sounding super rude. It was a very interesting lunch and Luke and I made it through the craziness. I think we lucked out, he doesn’t seem to have come down with any serious illness…THIS TIME!
Posted in Outings.
Tagged with creepo, daughter, germaphobe, June, Luke.
By mommy
– May 6, 2010
Well, I think I have come to the conclusion that our FP Rainforest swing will be retired very soon! As hard as that is to say or even think, I believe that we are at that point. The swing has been a great friend and a wonderful asset but now I think its time has passed. For months now, Luke has taken every nap in his swing but within the past two weeks he has no interest in it and is now taking all naps in his crib. I don’t know why it is so hard to contemplate putting it up. The damn thing is large and the color and pattern does NOT go well in my living room(I doubt it goes well with any living room decor). I should be happy to get rid of the contraption but instead I feel sadness. Sadness that the need for it is over! Which means my baby is very quickly becoming, well, not a baby anymore. As the days go by, the more things we retire. With every item we put up because we have no need for it anymore…I, too, begin to question how much of a need there is for me?! I know that is ridiculous…but I almost feel like my job is over! I believe that this is proof that I am crazy or extremely hormonal!!! I haven’t even celebrated my first Mother’s Day yet…and yet I fear that my job will soon be finished. Oh, being a mom is tough…so much more difficult than anyone every explained. The emotions you feel on a daily basis are all over the place. For all you adrenaline junkies out there….screw bungee jumping or roller coasters, become a mom…you will experience the same things!
Posted in Feelings.
Tagged with mom, Mother's Day, retired, swing.
By mommy
– May 4, 2010
So, my in-laws have arrived from out of town. They live in a different state and have come down for a visit for 9 DAYS!!!! I just found out about this visit last week. Let me just say, the timing is not so wonderful! Does anyone care? Not so much. The relationship with your significant other’s family…can be a very difficult thing. Your S.O. loves them and you love your S.O. It seems like it should work well, but that isn’t the case most of the time.
After talking with other mommy friends I have learned that a lot of girls have issues with their in-laws, mainly their mother-in-laws. Why is this relationship so strained?! On a whole, I think that is probably a very individualized answer. However, I do think there is one common problem. The mother in laws feel replaced and the daughters in law feel judged. At least, that is the underlying issue I have heard most commonly.
My MIL can never have a conversation with me without giving ”advice”. I would love to be able to just sit with her and talk without her constantly telling me how things should be done, how she did it, or how she has heard it should be. It makes me want to pull my hair out. If we could just sit together as friends and talk, I think it would all be so much better.
This issue was complex before Luke…but now, it is so much harder. I don’t want to get too upset with the in-laws because they are my child’s grandparents. They love him and are good to him, there is no question about that. I know she loves my husband more than anything in the world. I believe she even loves me, in some weird way. So, where does all of this leave us? With a loving, yet strained relationship….pretty much the definition of all in-law relationships.
Posted in Feelings.
Tagged with grandparents, in-laws, mother-in-law, relationships, visit.
By mommy
– May 1, 2010
So, Monday afternoon, I got a call from my doctor’s office and they wanted to HIRE ME to be a nurse in their office. Apparently, when the position opened up they all thought of me. Now, that I have become super educated on the Endocrine system due to my health problems, they thought I’d be a perfect fit. Well, let me tell you it came as a TOTAL SHOCK!!!! It is a great opportunity that comes with a significant pay increase over my last nursing job but it is a full time position. So, Daddy and I talked about it for the last two days. I cried, I prayed and analyzed every possibility. Today with a very heavy and conflicted heart I called them back and turned it down. It was such a hard decision. This job would help with my very expensive insurance costs and medical bills. Also, I think I would’ve loved and been really good at it. However, I just am not prepared to leave Luke full time to go back to work. So, I have decided that I may look for a part time job to help with the costs and still have time with Lukey. I decided that I can always find a job one day, but Luke will only be little once. I feel very blessed to have been able to stay with him this long and I hope I can continue for awhile longer, at least.
I absolutely don’t think there is anything wrong with being a working mom. I know some people do it because they have to and some do it because they want to. I think whatever decisions we make as moms are the right ones for our situation. I am sure for the next 18 years, at least, we will have a lot of other difficult decisions to make for our little family. I kept praying God would send me an answer…via text, email, or sign. I did not get so lucky! Maybe next time….
Posted in News, Uncategorized.
Tagged with decisions, job, mom, nurse.
By mommy
– April 28, 2010
So, I am struggling tonight. I am feeling like crap…I am unable to taste anything, sores have now developed in my nose (too much information, I know), and I just feel yucky! This radiation is some nasty stuff. I guess it has to be, since it is killing my cancer.
I am also stressed. I am stressed to the max and feel like I could explode. My husband owns his own company and it is a tough economy right now, as we all know. We have medical bills coming out our eyes, ears and noses! Our health insurance cost is beyond enormous. My in-laws have decided to come for a 9 day visit starting next weekend. Tomorrow will be my first day alone with Luke again.
I JUST NEED A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When we are little girls we dream about what magic adult life will hold. We can’t wait to get there!!! We look at our beautiful Barbie and, man, does she have it made. Her adult life comes fully loaded with a pink convertible, a dream mansion and a hot boyfriend. She has a million different beautiful outfits and the coolest accessories. During the day she is a vet or a lawyer and by night she is a rock star or a socialite. I remember playing with Barbie every day and dreaming of the life I would have when I grew up. It would be awesome, I would have it all and then some!
Well, let me tell you, I am an adult now…and my life is nothing like Barbie’s. I have a lot to be thankful for, but I also have a lot of stress. It is not all dream cars, houses and fashions. It is HARD!!!! Barbie never told me it would be SO difficult at times. Days like today, I wish I could be in my childhood bedroom playing with my Barbies with New Kids on the Block blasting on my boombox. The possibilities were endless at that point!
I hope my Luke will enjoy his childhood. I want him to savor every wonderfully hopeful and silly moment. I pray that he will not be so focused on getting older and just enjoy every single second of the innocence that comes with being a child. As a parent, I will do my best to show him the beauty that is youth. Because I know, that one day, he will be an adult and he will look back…just as I am doing now….and long for the days where he was back in his bedroom and playing with his GI Joes.
Posted in Feelings.
Tagged with adult, Barbie, cancer, GI Joe, innocence, radiation, stress, youth.
By mommy
– April 25, 2010
I know that isn’t the way the saying actually goes, however in our house…that is the most accurate statement. Poor Luke has been having a bad last couple of days. I am pretty sure he is teething again. We have had a very fussy baby boy who’s spit up has begun to resemble a scene from “The Exorcist.” When your little guy is miserable, you feel so helpless. These are the days where I just wish Luke could speak and tell me what is wrong! Momma could probably fix it, if she only had a damn clue about what was going on. When something is wrong with your infant and they can’t speak and let you know…it becomes a guessing game, just plain old trial and error. We tried Motrin, We tried Tylenol, We tried refrigerated teethers. Luke and I went for a walk, well he actually went for a ride and I pushed the stroller. He had time in his swing, his jumperoo and his floor gym. Nothing made it better for more than a short period of time Needless to say, it was TOUGH day!!!! After days like this, as a parent, you feel worn down. It is physically and mentally exhausting. I am crossing all my fingers and toes that this tooth(or whatever the hell is wrong) will get better soon! Mommy, Daddy, and Luke can’t take much more!!!!
Posted in Feelings, Health.
Tagged with motrin, spit up, stroller, teethers, teething, tylenol.
By mommy
– April 24, 2010
“No one could ever understand our bond, after all, you are the only one to have ever heard my heart beat from the inside.” Author Unknown
I found this quote on a website a few months ago and I saved it for a later date. I believe, there is no bond quite like the one between a Mommy and her baby. Although, I think the concept of this quote is really cute…I have to say I believe it is wrong. My mom was adopted…and I doubt the bond she and her mother shared was any less strong than me and Luke’s. The true bonding happens after birth, not during the pregnancy. I always thought that I would look at Luke the instant he was born and just love him and I guess, I did, more or less. But for me, the real loving began once I got to know him. It was just like any relationship I have ever had…it takes time. You begin to know what the looks mean, you can understand the coos and grunts over time. Don’t feel bad about yourself, if at first sight, the love you have for your child is not the greatest love you have ever known. Over the next minutes, hours, days, weeks that you spend with your little one…it will grow. It will grow into a love that you have never known or never even understood was possible before you became a parent.
Posted in Feelings.
By mommy
– April 21, 2010
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